god exsites

if u dont belive me u will go to hell

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,
that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world,
but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned,
but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not
believed in the name of God's one and only Son.

Your Jewish god was always accepting blood sacrifices, but mostly goats and other animals.  He liked it when Cain or Abel would sacrifice an animal to him, as if the god was the alpha male who would get first dibs on the meat.  With a full belly, the god would overlook shit that the guys did that pissed him off, but nothing could make him forgive what their cunt of a mother did.

Until later that is, when he had the bright idea that the only blood sacrifice that could satisfy his Eve-related appetite would be to kill himself somehow, him being the biggest cheese in the universe.  Since he wasn't made of meat, he ghost-fucked some 12 or 13 year old chick so she would give birth to himself.  When he grew up and got killed, the god said, "Yeah, that hit the spot.  Nevermind that Eve bitch, you guys.  You better believe I did this thing I did though, I hate it when people say I didn't do you a solid.  Fucking ungrateful motherfuckers."

This story gave rise to the expression, "I'm so hungry, I could eat Christ off the cross."