Those buddhist bastards!

I've been listening to the Dalai Lama all day, and while he's clearly making an effort to be understood despite his accent and lack of vocabulary, he keeps talking about thinks I don't get!
These buddhist guys seem to love lists, but lists are fine because that's just simple criteria. It's the outlandish freaky stuff that I don't get, that annoy me. They keep talking about this "enlightenment" thing, which seems really cool to reach, because it is supposed to make me all holy and shit, and hopefully being holy will land me some massive respect and a few groupie chicks, but the bastards don't give me any clear directions on how to get there! Besides the "be nice to everyone" things, there's all these states of mind that I have to get through, and I don't even get what they mean! How am I supposed to know if I passed them or not, if I don't even understand what the fuck they're talking about?! "Impermanence", fine, but what's this shit about closing your eyes and still seeing a fly on someones forehead? What's a "non-elephant in the room", and what's that supposed to mean?

I think there's a severe lack of enlightenment tests on the internet. I mean there's one at HelloQuizzy, and according to that I'm the fucking man, but that test is hardly written by anyone who knows shit about enlightenment! You guys need to write a serious tibetan enlightenment test, so that I can measure the size of my enlightenment-peen.

(I'm writing this on 4chan, because this place is bound to be crawling with tibetan buddhists.)

>>23
Butthurt buddhist detected.
I'm fairly certain that sarcasm isn't included into Right Speech.

...but what's your problem? I've clearly discerned how to become a buddha in this thread, and so I'm bringing about an age of enlightenment, with thousands of buddhas with a dharma that isn't crap. What more could you buddhists ask for?
You might even be free to have sex again (depending on whoever is decided to be "the real" Maitreya).

Look, it's simple: Either there *is* a way to reach Nirvana and becomae a buddha, or there isn't. It's a matter of simple knowledge, so it's not like it's an exclusive diamond that you have to be a millionaire to buy and share. The Dalai Lama said that it would take "eons and eons" to reach it, but whether you reach it in your lifetime or not, you have to have a set goal in mind before you start walking, or you'll just be wandering in circles for the amusement of self-appointed, self-important spiritual leaders.

You claim to be against stupidity, but all I see is a person worshipping cult, that covers up their stupidity in obscurity and mysticism. People are spending entire lives on what it took Buddha only days to realize, because they don't even know what it is that they're supposed to realize.

Meanwhile you have already self-appointed Maitreyas that preach a distilled form of narcissism as religion. ( http://www.maitreya-teachings.org/your-spiritual-ascension.html ) ...and these rats are gnawing on buddhism, because buddhism is a corpse. It's been a corpse since 0 A.D.. It's an old bald man dressed in a saffron and maroon robe, that people like because he sounds like Yoda - a man kidnapped and brainwashed into buddhism from birth. ...and not even he knows what it's all about.

I'd rather be sucking another mans dick with a purpose, than running around like a headless chicken, so I'm bringing you Maitreya. Maybe he'll declare genocide - you never know. ...but at least he'll make your goals clear for you.