Those buddhist bastards!

I've been listening to the Dalai Lama all day, and while he's clearly making an effort to be understood despite his accent and lack of vocabulary, he keeps talking about thinks I don't get!
These buddhist guys seem to love lists, but lists are fine because that's just simple criteria. It's the outlandish freaky stuff that I don't get, that annoy me. They keep talking about this "enlightenment" thing, which seems really cool to reach, because it is supposed to make me all holy and shit, and hopefully being holy will land me some massive respect and a few groupie chicks, but the bastards don't give me any clear directions on how to get there! Besides the "be nice to everyone" things, there's all these states of mind that I have to get through, and I don't even get what they mean! How am I supposed to know if I passed them or not, if I don't even understand what the fuck they're talking about?! "Impermanence", fine, but what's this shit about closing your eyes and still seeing a fly on someones forehead? What's a "non-elephant in the room", and what's that supposed to mean?

I think there's a severe lack of enlightenment tests on the internet. I mean there's one at HelloQuizzy, and according to that I'm the fucking man, but that test is hardly written by anyone who knows shit about enlightenment! You guys need to write a serious tibetan enlightenment test, so that I can measure the size of my enlightenment-peen.

(I'm writing this on 4chan, because this place is bound to be crawling with tibetan buddhists.)

According to buddhanet.net ( http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/buddhism/pbs2_unit03.htm )Buddha reached enlightenment through this insight:
"The cause of suffering is greed, selfishness and stupidity. If people get rid of these negative emotions, they will be happy."

You don't need to sit and meditate for years and years like "Buddha boy" does. It only took Buddha a couple of days to come up with that insight, and I don't think you need to starve while you're thinking either.

...and then when you get what Buddha got, you will apparently be a Buddha as well. The first one to reach this insight, will apparently be called Maitreya, because that's what people predict. ...so just change your name to Maitreya. Maybe we can *all* just change our names to Maitreya, to mess with them, and then they have to go around looking for "the real one". :P

...and you don't have to say that chicks should be chaste for you if you don't want to, because as the next buddha, you will teach a more complete teaching than the previous buddha did, so you can demand all the cars and bitches and records deals you want, and they should be fine with that. I don't know how many hot buddhistic nuns there are in the world, but there's bound to be more than you would care to have.

...so good luck, all you Maitreyas out there. All you need to do, is to realize that people would be happier if they wouldn't be so greedy, selfish and stupid all the time, and there you go.

Also post pics.