Name: Anonymous 2013-01-03 16:24
It all started when our overrated adventurer, Nigger, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling abnormally exasperated, Nigger attacked a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he realized that his beloved watermelon was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Jew. Nigger had known Jew for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Jew was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... selfish. Nigger called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Jew picked up to a very nervous Nigger. Jew calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys sneeze before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually flamboyantly shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Nigger. Why was Jew trying to distract Nigger? Because he had snuck out from Nigger's with the watermelon only seven days prior. It was a striking little watermelon... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Nigger got back to the subject at hand: his watermelon. Jew grimaced. Relunctantly, Jew invited him over, assuring him they'd find the watermelon. Nigger grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Jew realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the watermelon and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Nigger took the wannabe go-fast Civic, he had take at least five minutes before Nigger would get there. But if he took the stolen bike? Then Jew would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Jew was interrupted by eight annoying fried chickens that were lured by his watermelon. Jew turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he aptly reached for his ripened avocado and aggressively poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the stolen bike rolling up. It was Nigger.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Nigger was out of the stolen bike and went charismatically jaunting toward Jew's front door. Meanwhile inside, Jew was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the watermelon into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Jew was concerned but at least the watermelon was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Jew earnestly purred. With a inept push, Nigger opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish spite-toting jerk in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Jew assured him. Nigger took a seat right next to where Jew had hidden the watermelon. Jew grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Nigger was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Jew noticed a oafish look on Nigger's face. Nigger slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Jew felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Nigger asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the watermelon right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Nigger's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Nigger nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Jew could react, Nigger carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The watermelon was plainly in view.
Nigger stared at Jew for what what must've been nine seconds. As if it really mattered Jew groped exotically in Nigger's direction, clearly desperate. Nigger grabbed the watermelon and bolted for the door. It was locked. Jew let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Nigger,' he rebuked. Jew always had been a little pestering, so Nigger knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Jew did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his watermelon tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Jew looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Nigger. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Nigger. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Jew walked over to the window and looked down. Nigger was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Nigger was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Jew's place. Nigger had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral fried chickens suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the watermelon. One by one they latched on to Nigger. Already weakened from his injury, Nigger yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of fried chickens running off with his watermelon.
About eight hours later, Nigger awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and Nigger did not know where he was. Deep in the humid lemur-infested moor, Nigger was barely lost. Absolutely thrilled, he remembered that his watermelon was taken by the fried chickens. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous fried chicken emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha fried chicken. Nigger opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the fried chicken sunk its teeth into Nigger's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Nigger's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eleven miles away, Jew was entombed by anguish over the loss of the watermelon. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Nigger... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the watermelon that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant fried chickens, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
Jew picked up to a very nervous Nigger. Jew calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys sneeze before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually flamboyantly shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Nigger. Why was Jew trying to distract Nigger? Because he had snuck out from Nigger's with the watermelon only seven days prior. It was a striking little watermelon... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Nigger got back to the subject at hand: his watermelon. Jew grimaced. Relunctantly, Jew invited him over, assuring him they'd find the watermelon. Nigger grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Jew realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the watermelon and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Nigger took the wannabe go-fast Civic, he had take at least five minutes before Nigger would get there. But if he took the stolen bike? Then Jew would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Jew was interrupted by eight annoying fried chickens that were lured by his watermelon. Jew turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he aptly reached for his ripened avocado and aggressively poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the stolen bike rolling up. It was Nigger.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Nigger was out of the stolen bike and went charismatically jaunting toward Jew's front door. Meanwhile inside, Jew was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the watermelon into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Jew was concerned but at least the watermelon was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Jew earnestly purred. With a inept push, Nigger opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish spite-toting jerk in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Jew assured him. Nigger took a seat right next to where Jew had hidden the watermelon. Jew grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Nigger was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Jew noticed a oafish look on Nigger's face. Nigger slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Jew felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Nigger asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the watermelon right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Nigger's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Nigger nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Jew could react, Nigger carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The watermelon was plainly in view.
Nigger stared at Jew for what what must've been nine seconds. As if it really mattered Jew groped exotically in Nigger's direction, clearly desperate. Nigger grabbed the watermelon and bolted for the door. It was locked. Jew let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Nigger,' he rebuked. Jew always had been a little pestering, so Nigger knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Jew did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his watermelon tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Jew looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Nigger. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Nigger. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Jew walked over to the window and looked down. Nigger was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Nigger was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Jew's place. Nigger had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral fried chickens suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the watermelon. One by one they latched on to Nigger. Already weakened from his injury, Nigger yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of fried chickens running off with his watermelon.
About eight hours later, Nigger awoke, his taint throbbing. It was dark and Nigger did not know where he was. Deep in the humid lemur-infested moor, Nigger was barely lost. Absolutely thrilled, he remembered that his watermelon was taken by the fried chickens. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous fried chicken emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha fried chicken. Nigger opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the fried chicken sunk its teeth into Nigger's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Nigger's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eleven miles away, Jew was entombed by anguish over the loss of the watermelon. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ripened avocado. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Nigger... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the watermelon that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant fried chickens, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(