Name: Anonymous 2010-07-08 14:19
When I woke up this morning, I felt like a mess. It all started 4 years ago. I met a guy, he was charming, cute, funny and treated me in a way I have never been treated before; like I was a princess. I was 15 at the time and he was a few years older. When we first met there was this feeling that I got from him like I was safe, I knew after a few days he would fall in love with me and I was right, I just didn’t expect to fall in love back. We would spend every waking hour together, he missed school, I missed school, he stayed up all night and I would stay up all night. We were inseparable and I was in love, at least I thought I was. I still remember the first time he told me he had feelings for me, he was upset and not talking, I could tell there was something wrong. Me being the persistent type I got it out of him and he was so sweet and innocent about it, he said “I have feelings for you Amanda, that I have never had for anyone else before, and it scares me because you’re younger and I’m not sure if you feel the same way towards me.” When he said that to me it made me the happiest girl in the world, it was like “Really? This cute, smart, adorable guy likes me? Why “me” when I know he can do so much better..” and I told him that time and time again, but he reassured me that I was the only one for him. I never told him that I had fallen in love with him back, see when I was younger I never had anyone there for me. My mother was somewhere else, My father was in jail and the grandmother that I lived with was never home, So the saying “People always leave” had unfortunately always been true for me, so why would it be any different with him? I turned out to be right. He disappeared without a trace, He never even said goodbye to me. It was no surprise, of course I waited for him though. He never came back. I started to move on with my life, I met a guy who reminded me of him in the simplest ways, They both would do anything for me. There were times were I thought someone was trying to play a trick on me and it could actually be him, but of course that would be crazy. We also started spending a lot of our time together, he made a lot of the pain go away. One day, I’m sitting there and my friend messages me, “Hey, he’s back! He just signed on to msn!” I rushed online to see if it was actually him, and it was. 8 months later and he decides to come back. I was in shock, I couldn’t message him, This is the same guy who left me! Who never said goodbye! He broke my heart! No! I couldn’t talk to him! but I did… I had so many questions and they needed to be answered. The first few weeks were very slow, we took our time to get comfortable again, I didn’t bug him about it, He didn’t deserve to see me upset, He deserved to see the so called “Beautiful, smart and most amazing” girl not have a care in the world over what he did. I knew that eventually he would miss me, if he really loved me..he would miss me. One night at about 2 am we started talking, and he asked me to sing, I told him “No, I sound the same as when I talk, so technically you’ve already heard me.” And he said “Well then you must have the most beautiful voice in the whole world, because you sound adorable” right then and there he had me under his lock again. I could never understand what it was but he could do that to me. I could act like an idiot around him, I could sing to him and he would fall asleep to my voice, It seemed so perfect, so where did it go wrong? I’ll tell you. after almost 2 years of being here every second for him, never leaving his side and the issues that I was dealing with in my life didn’t help. He needed me and that was stressful, I was stressed period and took all of that stress out on him, because he let me. I needed him here with me, I needed him to take care of me too. He lived about a 1 hour airplane away. He didn’t have a job. He didn’t want to get a job, and I couldn’t even be the one to push him to his full potential. I know what you’re thinking I pushed him to hard, but, How could I sit there day after day listening to him tell me how much he loves me, and that he would do anything for me. Yet it was mission impossible to get him to come and see me. I felt like his hideout, and nothing more. Maybe he just got to comfortable around me and felt like I would never leave him. Lying in bed alone, thinking of him, wondering how amazing it would feel to just have his arms wrapped around me.. at least for a second, was so painful. At this point, doing this day in and day out it took its toll and I was pissed! Why am I not worth it for you to go out and get a job, something that EVERYONE in the world needs to do to survive? not only would you have money in your pocket and a little bit of stability but you would also have me! but it was never good enough for him..as good as he made me feel in that aspect he made me feel the worse. We were having big arguments that would last 4 to 5 hours at a time, and every one of them ending up in tears. I have to admit that most of these arguments were my fault, but this is what happens when you have nothing left to fight for. I loved him, He was my first true love and for the longest time I thought it would be me and him forever. Our anger got out of hand though, he would yell and break things and I would act spiteful and keep our fights going as long as possible just to show him how upset he would make me. I ended up giving him an ultimatum; either you get a job and come see me or I’m gone. He didn’t want to lose me, so of course he decided to look for a job, but after a few days of searching he would quit, and we would do this over and over again. So on October 18th my 18th birthday came around, I had no education and no job. Right when I hit 18 all of these thoughts came to mind like my parents do not have to support me anymore.
The day of my birthday though, I realized things needed to change. We couldn’t spend so much time together, I should be out looking for a job so I could help with bills. So I told him that we needed to try and stay away from each other. I missed him like crazy, but I was cold and I wouldn’t budge, just like he wouldn’t for me. Silly me hoping that maybe through all of this time apart he might go out and look for a job, and he did, but then he quit again. I still wanted to be with him through all of this, but there were experiences that I needed to have, and I couldn’t do that with him, because he wasn’t here. So I told him that I wanted and open relationship. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want to be with other guys or anything, But I had hoped that he would do anything to keep me with him, which meant i needed to scare him with the whole “You don’t know what you’ve lost until it’s gone,” routine. Still, it didn’t work so I gave it my last effort, and I scared him with another guy..But he let me go.. 4 years and he didn’t chase me, he simply left. I was devastated, I laid in bed, always wanting to reach for the phone to call him and tell him I love him, and that I miss him, But how could I when the guy of my dreams isn’t willing to chase the girl of his “dreams.” After about a month it really got to me, I sent him an email telling him that I hope he gets all of the happiness he deserves. It turned out that a week after our breakup he got a job, and he didn’t ask for me to come back to him. Why is it that he would go out and get a job after I leave? It killed me, like I wasn’t worth it..and maybe I really wasn’t. I tried to make things right between us, but nothing would work he would listen to me cry and not budge, some times even say things just to hurt me and try to make me hate him. I couldn’t do it anymore though, I couldn’t sit here and bribe someone to be with me. How could I let myself sink so low for him? After a few fights I was so hurt, and I said to him, “You promised me you would never treat me the way my family and everyone else does, and now you’re treating me worse.” He said, “That’s just something I’ll have to live with.” Right then and there I knew, How could I possibly be with a man who could ever live with something like that? I need a man who would carry the world on his shoulders just to make me smile again, someone who could never bare the sight of me shedding a single tear, and he’s not that man. He’s the complete opposite. So my last words to him were “I hate you.” and I hung up the phone. I guess I deserved it though, I wanted to be with someone so bad that I let it consume me, and I went about it the wrong way, and who am I to talk when he would plead for me to stay with him and I walked away? I deserved all of this, but I learned from the mistakes that I had made, I would never take someone for granted like that again. It was so hard after this because I knew it was over, My heart ached so bad, I laid in bed and never ate. His name appeared everywhere and I was always wondering if he thought about me. 3 months went by though and I was managing, I had graduated from high school, Landed a volunteer job at a GED center and a paying job. I was doing better then ever, I even started meeting new people.
The day of my birthday though, I realized things needed to change. We couldn’t spend so much time together, I should be out looking for a job so I could help with bills. So I told him that we needed to try and stay away from each other. I missed him like crazy, but I was cold and I wouldn’t budge, just like he wouldn’t for me. Silly me hoping that maybe through all of this time apart he might go out and look for a job, and he did, but then he quit again. I still wanted to be with him through all of this, but there were experiences that I needed to have, and I couldn’t do that with him, because he wasn’t here. So I told him that I wanted and open relationship. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want to be with other guys or anything, But I had hoped that he would do anything to keep me with him, which meant i needed to scare him with the whole “You don’t know what you’ve lost until it’s gone,” routine. Still, it didn’t work so I gave it my last effort, and I scared him with another guy..But he let me go.. 4 years and he didn’t chase me, he simply left. I was devastated, I laid in bed, always wanting to reach for the phone to call him and tell him I love him, and that I miss him, But how could I when the guy of my dreams isn’t willing to chase the girl of his “dreams.” After about a month it really got to me, I sent him an email telling him that I hope he gets all of the happiness he deserves. It turned out that a week after our breakup he got a job, and he didn’t ask for me to come back to him. Why is it that he would go out and get a job after I leave? It killed me, like I wasn’t worth it..and maybe I really wasn’t. I tried to make things right between us, but nothing would work he would listen to me cry and not budge, some times even say things just to hurt me and try to make me hate him. I couldn’t do it anymore though, I couldn’t sit here and bribe someone to be with me. How could I let myself sink so low for him? After a few fights I was so hurt, and I said to him, “You promised me you would never treat me the way my family and everyone else does, and now you’re treating me worse.” He said, “That’s just something I’ll have to live with.” Right then and there I knew, How could I possibly be with a man who could ever live with something like that? I need a man who would carry the world on his shoulders just to make me smile again, someone who could never bare the sight of me shedding a single tear, and he’s not that man. He’s the complete opposite. So my last words to him were “I hate you.” and I hung up the phone. I guess I deserved it though, I wanted to be with someone so bad that I let it consume me, and I went about it the wrong way, and who am I to talk when he would plead for me to stay with him and I walked away? I deserved all of this, but I learned from the mistakes that I had made, I would never take someone for granted like that again. It was so hard after this because I knew it was over, My heart ached so bad, I laid in bed and never ate. His name appeared everywhere and I was always wondering if he thought about me. 3 months went by though and I was managing, I had graduated from high school, Landed a volunteer job at a GED center and a paying job. I was doing better then ever, I even started meeting new people.