Name: Anonymous 2009-10-14 10:48
I'm a widowed single Father aged 37 with a 7 year old daughter. My wife and her Mother were killed in a car accident nearly 3 years ago, which was obviously devastating for both my little girl and me. I honestly believe that had it not been for my daughter, I would not still be here.
I had great support from family and friends in the first few months, in particular from my sister and my late wife's sister who both looked after my very young girl who was missing her Mummy and Grandma terribly. Things move on though, people have their own families, and in time it was down to me to look after her on my own apart from day care and then school.
It would not be too dramatic to say that we have always had a special relationship because of what we went through following the accident, and my little girl only wanted to be with me and became very "clingy" for want of another word. When I went into the garden she would follow, if I went into the bathroom she would follow, she even wanted to stay as I sat on the toilet - which I had to explain was not really the done thing! If I wasn't there for her 24-7 she would cry uncontrollably and then almost shut down emotionally till I returned - it really was quite distressing for me and I should have sought a bit of help back then, but I just pandered to her and hardly went anywhere without her; the odd trip to the supermarket while her auntie was here - I never went out with friends or women.
I HAD to bath her in those days, for safety and to help her clean herself - for any non-parents reading this, 3 year old kids are NOT very aware of their own personal hygeine needs! Something I remember my late wife saying when she bathed her was "Let's clean your front bum and your back bum" which she told me was what her own Mother used to say to her when she was little, so I said it;
A; So she knew we had to get those parts clean, and
B; To remind her a little of her Mum, and how she used to bath her.
Now clearly that had to be done at that time, due to her age, but as she got older, 4, 5 and 6 years old, she still wanted me to bath her, and specially to clean her private parts. Now she is just 7 (her birthday was in September) and still she wants me to bath her, and will now specifically ask "Now do my back bum", and "Now do my front bum". She really loves me to do it, and will say "Just a bit more, a bit more, OK!"
I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable now, and I've told her that she should do it herself now, but she won't have it, and gets very withdrawn and sad when I have insisted that she does it. I don't want her upset, so I renaged and started to do it for her again. I do feel that, for her, it's a kind of connection to the past when her Mummy used to do it, which she must remember, and she thinks that Dad has to do it now, because Mum's gone. I'm not offended by it, and in all honesty, I would leave it till she didn't ask any more, but I'm a bit worried that, if she should innocently say something about it to a friend, or worse still, a teacher or one of her aunties, I could be burned at the stake for something which I started because I had to, and which I have tried to stop, but I can't for fear of her going into another withdrawal episode. It's as if I've said I don't love her any more - that's the kind of reaction I get1
I'm starting to want a woman's company too - just someone to take out and talk to - and yes, I do miss sex terribly, but I can't imagine what my daughter would say and do, and even if she was OK about it, which I doubt, what if she wanted me to bath her and "do her bums - back and front" while any new partner was down? Or even if she just mentioned it?
There's another thing which has only recently started to happen. She came into the bathroom when I was in the bath. I usually bathe with the same bathwater as she's had, but with a bit more added. She got in and tried to touch my privates, to "do yours" as she put it, but I told her I had to do it. Again she reacted as if I'd said I was leaving home or something. She came in again 2 nights later, and tried again, and I told her No again, and then last night, when I allowed her wash it with soap and that was all there was to it. She just dried herself again and smiled at me and went into her bedroom. Before I read her her bedtime story I told her that "grown ups always clean themselves down there" but she just said "I like doing it for you", and again looked really hurt that I didn't seem to want her to do it.
How the heck am I going to sort this out? If I let it continue, it's "ICKY" to quote from the Friends episode, and if I try to stop it, she goes into hibernate mode and won't talk to me.
I had great support from family and friends in the first few months, in particular from my sister and my late wife's sister who both looked after my very young girl who was missing her Mummy and Grandma terribly. Things move on though, people have their own families, and in time it was down to me to look after her on my own apart from day care and then school.
It would not be too dramatic to say that we have always had a special relationship because of what we went through following the accident, and my little girl only wanted to be with me and became very "clingy" for want of another word. When I went into the garden she would follow, if I went into the bathroom she would follow, she even wanted to stay as I sat on the toilet - which I had to explain was not really the done thing! If I wasn't there for her 24-7 she would cry uncontrollably and then almost shut down emotionally till I returned - it really was quite distressing for me and I should have sought a bit of help back then, but I just pandered to her and hardly went anywhere without her; the odd trip to the supermarket while her auntie was here - I never went out with friends or women.
I HAD to bath her in those days, for safety and to help her clean herself - for any non-parents reading this, 3 year old kids are NOT very aware of their own personal hygeine needs! Something I remember my late wife saying when she bathed her was "Let's clean your front bum and your back bum" which she told me was what her own Mother used to say to her when she was little, so I said it;
A; So she knew we had to get those parts clean, and
B; To remind her a little of her Mum, and how she used to bath her.
Now clearly that had to be done at that time, due to her age, but as she got older, 4, 5 and 6 years old, she still wanted me to bath her, and specially to clean her private parts. Now she is just 7 (her birthday was in September) and still she wants me to bath her, and will now specifically ask "Now do my back bum", and "Now do my front bum". She really loves me to do it, and will say "Just a bit more, a bit more, OK!"
I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable now, and I've told her that she should do it herself now, but she won't have it, and gets very withdrawn and sad when I have insisted that she does it. I don't want her upset, so I renaged and started to do it for her again. I do feel that, for her, it's a kind of connection to the past when her Mummy used to do it, which she must remember, and she thinks that Dad has to do it now, because Mum's gone. I'm not offended by it, and in all honesty, I would leave it till she didn't ask any more, but I'm a bit worried that, if she should innocently say something about it to a friend, or worse still, a teacher or one of her aunties, I could be burned at the stake for something which I started because I had to, and which I have tried to stop, but I can't for fear of her going into another withdrawal episode. It's as if I've said I don't love her any more - that's the kind of reaction I get1
I'm starting to want a woman's company too - just someone to take out and talk to - and yes, I do miss sex terribly, but I can't imagine what my daughter would say and do, and even if she was OK about it, which I doubt, what if she wanted me to bath her and "do her bums - back and front" while any new partner was down? Or even if she just mentioned it?
There's another thing which has only recently started to happen. She came into the bathroom when I was in the bath. I usually bathe with the same bathwater as she's had, but with a bit more added. She got in and tried to touch my privates, to "do yours" as she put it, but I told her I had to do it. Again she reacted as if I'd said I was leaving home or something. She came in again 2 nights later, and tried again, and I told her No again, and then last night, when I allowed her wash it with soap and that was all there was to it. She just dried herself again and smiled at me and went into her bedroom. Before I read her her bedtime story I told her that "grown ups always clean themselves down there" but she just said "I like doing it for you", and again looked really hurt that I didn't seem to want her to do it.
How the heck am I going to sort this out? If I let it continue, it's "ICKY" to quote from the Friends episode, and if I try to stop it, she goes into hibernate mode and won't talk to me.