Name: Zero One 2007-11-13 5:06
I have a serious problem.
Every day, I wake up haunted by the same fear that's been haunting me for years, and its sheer existance is the one single greatest thing holding me back from ever overcoming it. I think about it when I eat breakfast, I think about it while I'm running to class. I dread about it when I take my tests, I worry about it every time I talk to my parents, friends, family. It makes me wonder too hard and it makes thinking impossible. It keeps clarity from my mind and keeps sanity from my self. It holds me back farther than anything you could ever think of. You simply cannot comprehend how powerfully afraid I am of it, and how stupid it really is. How much it drives every action I take, ever thought process I make, every single word I speak. It's killing me just as fast as I'm growing up, and it's only moving only slightly faster than the second hand on my watch.
We all have primes. We all have golden years in life where we are at a peak of existance, where we will never relize how great it really is until it's over. We all have a chance to become something great, something memorable. We all have the same opportunities and chances as anyone else to be the greatest, most world-renowned person on the face of the planet. Life is like an ever long party, where you're either going to sit back in the corner and watch the shit go down from afar, or you're going to be that guy in the middle, the heart of everything, keeping the party going all night.
More than anything else in the world, I am absolutley terrified of dying alone and forgotten, abscent from any history book or mind. Erased from history at a whole, I would cease to exist on the premise that in the bigger picture, it wouldn't have mattered if I had in the first place or not. Fearing it keeps me from ever becoming anything good, and I won't be truley happy unless I'm the top. Unless everyone knows my name. Unless I'm remembered until the end of time. Because the only way to truely become immortalized is to stay alive as an idea, a hope, a representation in everyones mind as something great.
It's the most selfish vice of all, but it's mine, and it feels like every single day I worry about it, a calander loses one more day from my opportunity to save myself from absolute oblivion. I can't stop worrying about it, but I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck in a rut, and it's ruining everything I've ever had. There is no help, no answer and no comfort to this. It's probably the root of why I push people away, and why I have to do this alone. I wish there was a way to turn off caring, I really do, but I can't find it, and even if I did I'm not sure I'd even want to.
99% of the people on the face of this planet will die with only a handful of people knowing who they were, their story, their life. Everywhere you look you can find people going to their mundane jobs, doing the same thing everyday, living the 'simple life'. You work, you make money, you support yourself and possibly a family, and you die. You wake up at 9 am every damned day of your life and crave 5pm to come like the end of time. It scares me more than you could ever understand that I will become that person. And I know, if I become a doctor and seriously go through with this route in college, I will get no farther in life than that guy who's name I'll never know.
I have this dream, it's a really stupid dream but it's one of the only repetative dreams I've ever had, and it's very basic. I'm on a motorcycle, I'm racing up a jump, and this jump propels me into the stratosphere, and every single person on the face of the planet is watching me, to see if I'll make the jump or fall to my death. For one small collection of seconds I can look around to every single face and prove myself as something great, and everyone would at least remember me for who I was, for what I did, and for what I have become.
I think about a lot of people, especially back in high school, who I know I'll always remember probably until the day I die. Some of them will remember me, and some of them won't. There's some people I used to know I'd do anything to call up on the phone sometime and just say "Hey, what's up..." but won't because of something stupid like I'm sure they won't even remember me, or whatever. Every single day I wish I could go back to some day in the past and change something, say something, not say something, or just grab someone's hand and say, "This is it, this is what I really meant to say." I live my life full of regret and it's something I'll never be able to change, fufilling the total irony of regret itself.
And Goddamnit I wish I could have. More than anything else in the world I wish I could have.
This fear, a fear of being lost somewhere in the sea of the everyday normal populace, is a problem. And I have no idea how to solve this problem other than to do something totally radical, take some big risk and either win way big, or crash super hard. Either way, people have done it. Every single citizen in this fucking country knows who George Washington is. You see him every time you break out that dollar. That's what I want. That's what I need. To be remembered.
What the fuck is up, I don't know what I should do. What should I do?
Every day, I wake up haunted by the same fear that's been haunting me for years, and its sheer existance is the one single greatest thing holding me back from ever overcoming it. I think about it when I eat breakfast, I think about it while I'm running to class. I dread about it when I take my tests, I worry about it every time I talk to my parents, friends, family. It makes me wonder too hard and it makes thinking impossible. It keeps clarity from my mind and keeps sanity from my self. It holds me back farther than anything you could ever think of. You simply cannot comprehend how powerfully afraid I am of it, and how stupid it really is. How much it drives every action I take, ever thought process I make, every single word I speak. It's killing me just as fast as I'm growing up, and it's only moving only slightly faster than the second hand on my watch.
We all have primes. We all have golden years in life where we are at a peak of existance, where we will never relize how great it really is until it's over. We all have a chance to become something great, something memorable. We all have the same opportunities and chances as anyone else to be the greatest, most world-renowned person on the face of the planet. Life is like an ever long party, where you're either going to sit back in the corner and watch the shit go down from afar, or you're going to be that guy in the middle, the heart of everything, keeping the party going all night.
More than anything else in the world, I am absolutley terrified of dying alone and forgotten, abscent from any history book or mind. Erased from history at a whole, I would cease to exist on the premise that in the bigger picture, it wouldn't have mattered if I had in the first place or not. Fearing it keeps me from ever becoming anything good, and I won't be truley happy unless I'm the top. Unless everyone knows my name. Unless I'm remembered until the end of time. Because the only way to truely become immortalized is to stay alive as an idea, a hope, a representation in everyones mind as something great.
It's the most selfish vice of all, but it's mine, and it feels like every single day I worry about it, a calander loses one more day from my opportunity to save myself from absolute oblivion. I can't stop worrying about it, but I can't do anything about it. I'm stuck in a rut, and it's ruining everything I've ever had. There is no help, no answer and no comfort to this. It's probably the root of why I push people away, and why I have to do this alone. I wish there was a way to turn off caring, I really do, but I can't find it, and even if I did I'm not sure I'd even want to.
99% of the people on the face of this planet will die with only a handful of people knowing who they were, their story, their life. Everywhere you look you can find people going to their mundane jobs, doing the same thing everyday, living the 'simple life'. You work, you make money, you support yourself and possibly a family, and you die. You wake up at 9 am every damned day of your life and crave 5pm to come like the end of time. It scares me more than you could ever understand that I will become that person. And I know, if I become a doctor and seriously go through with this route in college, I will get no farther in life than that guy who's name I'll never know.
I have this dream, it's a really stupid dream but it's one of the only repetative dreams I've ever had, and it's very basic. I'm on a motorcycle, I'm racing up a jump, and this jump propels me into the stratosphere, and every single person on the face of the planet is watching me, to see if I'll make the jump or fall to my death. For one small collection of seconds I can look around to every single face and prove myself as something great, and everyone would at least remember me for who I was, for what I did, and for what I have become.
I think about a lot of people, especially back in high school, who I know I'll always remember probably until the day I die. Some of them will remember me, and some of them won't. There's some people I used to know I'd do anything to call up on the phone sometime and just say "Hey, what's up..." but won't because of something stupid like I'm sure they won't even remember me, or whatever. Every single day I wish I could go back to some day in the past and change something, say something, not say something, or just grab someone's hand and say, "This is it, this is what I really meant to say." I live my life full of regret and it's something I'll never be able to change, fufilling the total irony of regret itself.
And Goddamnit I wish I could have. More than anything else in the world I wish I could have.
This fear, a fear of being lost somewhere in the sea of the everyday normal populace, is a problem. And I have no idea how to solve this problem other than to do something totally radical, take some big risk and either win way big, or crash super hard. Either way, people have done it. Every single citizen in this fucking country knows who George Washington is. You see him every time you break out that dollar. That's what I want. That's what I need. To be remembered.
What the fuck is up, I don't know what I should do. What should I do?