Fruit Punch

I set out to the super market today to purchase some Fruit Punch. I get some Fruit Punch and go home. I look in my house and it looks like it was robbed... Needless to say I was scared so I called the police immediately. I wait outside for them to come and get quite thirsty. I realize I just bought some Fruit Punch and drink it. I go to my trunk and open it and my Fruit Punch had already been opened, along with some liquid missing. I think the ran-sacker may have had a drink so I think nothing of it. I drink it and blank out.

Five hours later I wake up in the hospital and no one is around me. I'm in what appears to be a bubble and am very scared and confused. I pissed myself. Then I heard something coming from a radio next to me, it was a voice. I hear the voice say "Kyle, you have been poisoned." I'm startled to hear this and say "How?". The voice says "The Fruit Punch you drank was tainted with posion." I say "Oh"... I go to sleep.

The next day starts with tears, crying and pissing. I pissed myself again. Then cried about being poisoned. I ask when I would be able to go home. The voice said "Never, Kyle, you're here forever." Then a man in a radio-active suit comes in with these devices. "We need to get a sample from your rectum." I am startled, piss myself, and say "No." The man says "Suit yourself." He then puts a needle in my skin and injects something. I blank out. I wake up the next day and my rectum feels like it was split open. It feels like something warm and metalic is in there. I pull it out and see a can of Fruit Punch, and upon pulling it out, red juices spilt from my ass. I went home and now my name is Redcream.

>>1
Nerd

In paragraph #1, the narrator obtained fruit punch from a store, and we presume that it was left in his trunk.  Upon arriving home, he finds he's been burglarized.  He then goes outside to get some of that fruit punch, finding them already opened in the presumably short period of time that he was in the house, and again presumably by some sort of ninja assassin who is able to pick the lock on a car trunk.  Finding it not that strange that somebody would pick the lock on the trunk in a short period of time, and that he also related that event to the burglar, he then takes a drink of possibly contaminated fruit punch.

At this point, the RedCream clone #1/bTTqneHe is so far behind sense in the story that it remains amusingly curious why he continued in the narration and then posted it.  My theory is that since the RedCream clones are fairly interesting folks (ahem), he was drunk or stoned at the time he composed that paragon of English literature.