Name: Anonymous 2007-08-25 7:32 ID:Tr0e1LGM
I'm starting to get depressed again, and it sucks. I just moved to a new city and transferred to a new school and I should be putting my life together and actually making something of myself. So many times I have tried to "turn over a new leaf" but I just can't seem to do it. I'm worried that I will never change or it's too late for me to change and I'm sad and frustrated about a lot of things.
I've made some progress in the last 2 years but I am starting to feel myself slide back... This is a horrible time for this to be happening because when it does I shut myself in even more than usual, don't leave my room for days at a time, etc.; just at the time when I should be doing the exact opposite. I should be out meeting people and getting things done but I just can't shake these feelings of depression and hopelessness that I get, and I have serious self esteem problems. I have tried 3 different anti depressants, working out, new hobbies, etc., nothing seems to work permanently.
I'm so far behind for my age in so many things that I feel like a retard: social skills, experience with women, my education, I feel like I'll never be able to catch up. I feel like everyone is on some kind of huge race track and I've been lapped by everyone thousands of times.
Right now I have no friends in this new city and only a few in other states. I am severely lacking in social skills, I've gotten a little better but it is so hard for me to be social even though I want to, I just literally don't know how to. If I start talking to someone I run out of things to say almost immediately and the conversation just kind of fizzles out. I never really go out anywhere other than to class and to the gym and running errands, etc. because I don't have any friends. I've never been to a bar or club or anything like that. Of course, part of the problem is that it's kind of hard to meet people if you never go anywhere - but how do you go to places if you don't have anyone to go with? The whole thing is like a paradox to me.
I've had one girlfriend in my life (3 years ago) and have had no contact with women whatsoever since then, not a hint of interest from any women, ever, and I'm pretty sure there is a true lack of interest and not me just not noticing. In fact this point was really hammered home a few days ago when I went to pick up my mailbox key at the office at my apartment complex. When I was leaving the office, some people were standing talking outside. This girl in the group said "Hey, what's up" and I thought she was talking to me and I said "Not much, how are you?" (took me a few seconds because I was shocked; women NEVER talk to me) and she said "I wasn't talking to you". She was talking to this guy behind me, and since she had sunglasses on I couldn't tell that she was looking past me. I wanted to disappear, especially since there were a bunch of other people standing around.
I'm behind in school for my age - I know people say "who cares, a lot of people go into college late", but it makes me feel that some people my age are graduating, my roommates are younger than me or the same age and way ahead of me, and I haven't even picked a major yet. That's another thing, I'm supposed to know what I'm interested in by now but I'm really not interested in anything at all - I hate school, always have, since I was a little kid I hated going to school and always got terrible grades (part of the reason I'm behind in school for my age now). Pretty much everything bores me and I have to struggle to stay awake in class - my mom keeps saying I'll find something I'm interested in but it doesn't seem to be happening, and I'm terrified that I'm going to end up chained to a desk at some boring job till I'm an old man.
Another serious problem is that I STILL have gynecomastia (tits), I've had it since I was 13 and have missed out on so much because of it. No, it's not from being overweight (I wish it was that simple; I'm 6'0 and 175 lbs) and no, "doing a lot of bench presses" will not make it go away - the only solution is surgery. I've tried so many times to tell my mom about it so that I can get surgery but I just CAN'T bring myself to do it. I've been hiding it for so long it's literally like there's a mental block there. Plus I've never had surgery or anything before and I'm terrified of going to some guy to have my chest cut open. If you don't have it you can't imagine how horrible and embarrassing and emasculating it is, I can never take my shirt off in front of people and I always have to wear black or dark blue shirts that hide it. I don't own a single white shirt. I've spent an incredible amount of time and brainpower coming up with ways to avoid taking off my shirt in front of other people and I haven't been swimming in over a decade. I got picked on in middle and high school so much because of it. My posture is horrible because I always stoop my shoulders and slouch forward to hide it... I can't bring my shoulders back and stand up straight or it sticks out horribly.
Obviously none of these things help my self esteem... I feel so inferior to everyone else. Seriously, I feel like the worst, lowest person in the world. Whenever I think about or see other people doing something, I automatically tell myself "I couldn't do that". I have this idea in my head that some people are just born losers and I'm one of them - even though I know it's wrong and you're whatever you make of yourself, I can't stop feeling that way. When I read peoples' "field reports" on here, it's shocking to me some of the things you guys do, and I feel like I'd NEVER be able to do. Going out to a club and picking up women? To me it seems like an impossible feat, like if NASA called me up right now and told me they were sending me to walk on Mars.Christ, just writing this and thinking about how much I've missed out on in life and how much of my life I've wasted is making me so depressed. I know I should be forgetting about the past and trying to change things but I'm overwhelmed, I don't know where to start, it literally just seems impossible to me, so I whine to a bunch of anonymous people on the internet instead.
I've made some progress in the last 2 years but I am starting to feel myself slide back... This is a horrible time for this to be happening because when it does I shut myself in even more than usual, don't leave my room for days at a time, etc.; just at the time when I should be doing the exact opposite. I should be out meeting people and getting things done but I just can't shake these feelings of depression and hopelessness that I get, and I have serious self esteem problems. I have tried 3 different anti depressants, working out, new hobbies, etc., nothing seems to work permanently.
I'm so far behind for my age in so many things that I feel like a retard: social skills, experience with women, my education, I feel like I'll never be able to catch up. I feel like everyone is on some kind of huge race track and I've been lapped by everyone thousands of times.
Right now I have no friends in this new city and only a few in other states. I am severely lacking in social skills, I've gotten a little better but it is so hard for me to be social even though I want to, I just literally don't know how to. If I start talking to someone I run out of things to say almost immediately and the conversation just kind of fizzles out. I never really go out anywhere other than to class and to the gym and running errands, etc. because I don't have any friends. I've never been to a bar or club or anything like that. Of course, part of the problem is that it's kind of hard to meet people if you never go anywhere - but how do you go to places if you don't have anyone to go with? The whole thing is like a paradox to me.
I've had one girlfriend in my life (3 years ago) and have had no contact with women whatsoever since then, not a hint of interest from any women, ever, and I'm pretty sure there is a true lack of interest and not me just not noticing. In fact this point was really hammered home a few days ago when I went to pick up my mailbox key at the office at my apartment complex. When I was leaving the office, some people were standing talking outside. This girl in the group said "Hey, what's up" and I thought she was talking to me and I said "Not much, how are you?" (took me a few seconds because I was shocked; women NEVER talk to me) and she said "I wasn't talking to you". She was talking to this guy behind me, and since she had sunglasses on I couldn't tell that she was looking past me. I wanted to disappear, especially since there were a bunch of other people standing around.
I'm behind in school for my age - I know people say "who cares, a lot of people go into college late", but it makes me feel that some people my age are graduating, my roommates are younger than me or the same age and way ahead of me, and I haven't even picked a major yet. That's another thing, I'm supposed to know what I'm interested in by now but I'm really not interested in anything at all - I hate school, always have, since I was a little kid I hated going to school and always got terrible grades (part of the reason I'm behind in school for my age now). Pretty much everything bores me and I have to struggle to stay awake in class - my mom keeps saying I'll find something I'm interested in but it doesn't seem to be happening, and I'm terrified that I'm going to end up chained to a desk at some boring job till I'm an old man.
Another serious problem is that I STILL have gynecomastia (tits), I've had it since I was 13 and have missed out on so much because of it. No, it's not from being overweight (I wish it was that simple; I'm 6'0 and 175 lbs) and no, "doing a lot of bench presses" will not make it go away - the only solution is surgery. I've tried so many times to tell my mom about it so that I can get surgery but I just CAN'T bring myself to do it. I've been hiding it for so long it's literally like there's a mental block there. Plus I've never had surgery or anything before and I'm terrified of going to some guy to have my chest cut open. If you don't have it you can't imagine how horrible and embarrassing and emasculating it is, I can never take my shirt off in front of people and I always have to wear black or dark blue shirts that hide it. I don't own a single white shirt. I've spent an incredible amount of time and brainpower coming up with ways to avoid taking off my shirt in front of other people and I haven't been swimming in over a decade. I got picked on in middle and high school so much because of it. My posture is horrible because I always stoop my shoulders and slouch forward to hide it... I can't bring my shoulders back and stand up straight or it sticks out horribly.
Obviously none of these things help my self esteem... I feel so inferior to everyone else. Seriously, I feel like the worst, lowest person in the world. Whenever I think about or see other people doing something, I automatically tell myself "I couldn't do that". I have this idea in my head that some people are just born losers and I'm one of them - even though I know it's wrong and you're whatever you make of yourself, I can't stop feeling that way. When I read peoples' "field reports" on here, it's shocking to me some of the things you guys do, and I feel like I'd NEVER be able to do. Going out to a club and picking up women? To me it seems like an impossible feat, like if NASA called me up right now and told me they were sending me to walk on Mars.Christ, just writing this and thinking about how much I've missed out on in life and how much of my life I've wasted is making me so depressed. I know I should be forgetting about the past and trying to change things but I'm overwhelmed, I don't know where to start, it literally just seems impossible to me, so I whine to a bunch of anonymous people on the internet instead.