Phantom Dumper

There has been animosity between my family and the one next door from the outset. The petty bickering started when we moved in, and continues day after day. As the fattest child in my family, I took it upon myself to wreak some retribution on our neighbors, and I chose sh1t as my weapon.

About once a quarter I would sneak over the hedge separating the properties and take a dump in their driveway, under cover of darkness. I was amazed at the size of the produce when it wasn't in its usual porcelain surroundings.

In the next day or so, the family would emerge from their house, wrinkle their noses and spy the big pile of sh1t. John (the man of the house) usually took it upon himself to cover it up, as you would a corpse, presumably to stop it from scaring the children and ruining his wife's hairdo.

My dad and I thought it was absolutely hilarious and the topic was often mulled at family meal time conversations. Although, I never let on that I was the culprit, despite some pointed accusations...


Well, at least I didn't go round and pop a cap in his ass like you crazy yanks. We are much more civilized in Canada.

The Phantom Dumper strikes again! This time, at my office job.

It was me who took the upper-decker in stall 2 of the womens bathroom.

It was me who shat in the upper right hand drawer of the VPs desk.

That horrid smell in the copy room? You guessed it. I took down a ceiling tile, crapped, and put it back up.

The cute new intern? It's my fault she left. She left her purse in her cubby overnight. Yep, I got it.

The office managers coffee cup? I apologize for this one because I had Taco Bell.

Oh, and that wasn't dog sh1t sitting in a nice pile on the sidewalk leading to the main entrance. Come on, when was the last time you saw a 250 lb dog?

The sh1tting will continue until I get that raise I was promised 6 months ago.

And the next round will be worse, since I've started drinking Metamucil.