please help i'm 16 and confuttc

Ive had some pretty traumatic things happen in my life, dad died when i was a baby mom has head injury, lived with grandma and then found her unconsious and now live with my uncle. At times i feel so so sad. But other times i feel so happy. Before i go to bed or when im jsut alone everything that has ever happened to me rushes through my head and it can be so overwhelming. Why does this happen? Is this anxiety? I wish i could just explain it better. For the majority im happy.. its jsut those certain moments i feel so unhappy. I sometimes cut when it gets too.. i dont know i wish i could desrbe it better. My mom is in a nursing home right now for confusion so thats been adding to it. I feel happy but deep down i feel so.. bothered and unhappy. My life right now for the most part is great.. i have friends and family that love me its just.. one thing after another i guess. I'm thinking of getting counseling but i dont have the money. I'd just like to start off knowing what this is:-/

Search the internets for a site about depression and go to their forums.  People there might be able to help since they are probably feeling the same way you do.

Kill yourself.

If you didn't feel bad then you wouldn't know good times.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_Attraction

im 17
I was raped as a child
no girl has ever liked me.
im an anime obsessed freak.
even the people who claim to be gigantic anime fans are scared of me.
i go to a special ed school where i fail misserably.
im 6 2  250 lbs

and i think
ehhh   could be worse

basicly just look on the upside. hopefuly if you try hard things will get better.you can move out and settle down with a nice woman. have children. be happy

by the way i just felt like answering seriously which im sure noone else here will do