Name: Anonymous 2007-04-25 15:29 ID:5EvOnNRH
Wow, I'm asking for help on 4chan. I'm going to get told to kill myself, oh well.
I want help.
I want my life back, but then, I think, did I ever have one before?
I’m sixteen. It’s not teenage drama, I feel on the edge of a knife and everyday seems like it’s my last.
I think it might be a mental disorder, or manic depression, or bipolar but then I criticize myself and I feel like maybe I’m just a hypochondriac.
But I’m not happy. I want help, even if nothing is wrong. I’m the worse person I know.
I’m weak.
I’m ruining my life everyday.
It seems like when I’m angry, my bind goes black and hot, even at the silliest things. Just yesterday a cat jumped on my bed when I first woke up, I felt so frustrated and angry I threw the cat across the room into another one. I have purposely injured an animal before.
I think I was in tired grade and I put the cat in my dresser drawer and was locking it in there with a mechanical spider it was scared of. When I finished laughing I took the cat out and it scratched me. I was so angry with the animal I kept picking it up and dropping it, the thought terrifies me I would do this, it was my favorite cat. Several times, from a very high distance I did that until his back leg was broken. I told my mom he had fallen off a table.
I’m the worse person I know.
That anger wasn’t just then, sometimes I feel like I want to squeeze something’s neck, suffocate it, just because I feel insulted or mad. However, shortly after any kind of anger problems I become depressed. Low. Black.
After I broke the cat’s leg I laid down for hours crying behind my mom’s bed, hating my self. I feel out of control, but at the same time know it isn’t an anger issue because I never lash out when pressured. I have never been in a fight, never been kicked out of school, never taken drugs, and never been put into detention for anything physical-related.
I cannot go a full day being one mood. I was playing a game with six friends and midway through, when I had been laughing and having a great time, I stopped. Nothing had happened, no one had said anything, and I just withdrew. Became quiet. Upset, and felt forgotten even though it was completely absurd.
I hate myself. There are days I feel like I’m the prettiest girl alive, and wear things to flaunt that fact. Yet just around the corner I’m scared to leave the house because I feel fat, ugly, unwanted. I feel tossed between extremes, anxious and angry.
I am a perfectionist at school. I become instantly depressed if my scores are lower then I expect. I want straight A’s, and that’s what I have. Anything lower ruins my day. It’s my one source of pleasure. Where I excel and be complimented by teachers. Ear to ear I’ll grin if I get a compliment from them.
I go out of my way to please people.
I’ve dyed my hair many colors, and upon dying it black found the most success with the opposite gender. I feel shallow; I’m too scared to do anything else because I’m afraid others will no longer find me attractive.
I have abandonment issues. I once tried to starve myself so that maybe I would pass out and my boyfriend would notice me more and value me more.
Lately, I have taken to thinking about overdosing on pills, not in a suicidal manner, but to scare people. So they will know I’m not permanent.
I self harm. I don’t cut, or burn. I hit myself and bang my head on anything hard until I feel numb. I do this when I’m depressed. When my boyfriend says something silly and I blow it out of the water. Hurting myself takes so much energy and the outcome is so nice. Itt throbs my head and I become tired and I’m able to lie down and sleep.
Everything someone says I take the wrong way. I get angry, depressed and happy at grandiose extremes. I was once explaining to my boyfriend how I felt weird without him around (this was about 5 or 6 months ago, perhaps more.) I felt empty and a buzz ran through me. He commented “Wow, you must really be in love.”
I know now I should have been happy at that response.
But I was angry. I hated him.
I started an argument with him.
I do that everyday, even though I make mental reminders that I do it. I KNOW I DO IT. I can’t control myself. I bite myself when I notice what I’m doing. I scratch myself hard. I dig my fingers into my skin.
But it doesn’t work. I am WEAK.
I once got frustrated with him. He kept playing with his feet in my face and I told him to stop numerous times. Even though he decided not to, I decided it was fair to dig my fingernails into his leg. Needless to say I was shocked and depressed when he became angry at me.
I feel primitive. I feel like an animal.
I can’t say no to him. I need his approval and love, yet as of lately I don’t.
I am too weak to stay with him.
I have been cheating on him since around February; staying on the phone with another boy, phone sex, saying how much I love him. I feel disgusting. I’ve given him more blowjobs then I have my boyfriend in our 11 months of dating in the one month.
I Do it I tell myself because I love him. I think I do it so he’ll stay.
They both love me so much. It’s sickens me to my stomach.
I made out with this boy almost three times while actively dating my current boyfriend, and other times when I asked my boyfriend for a “break” which was really so I could be with the other boy.
My life is disgusting. I’m the worse person I know.
I want them both; I can’t lose either of them.
Sometimes, I hallucinate. I hear things often when nothing is said. When listening to songs I think someone is talking to me. Sometimes I feel like someone is behind me. I’m uneasy in my own room. I heard my mom yelling for my name, SHOUTING from the living room right next to my room and I became frustrated and opened my door and go “What??”
“I didn’t say anything”
It was surreal.
I’m tired. Tired of over reacting and being angry at people who treat me so well and put up with me. Because I know they can’t for long.
I’m tired of being so happy and manic at the slightest thing that I cry. Half with fear and half with ecstasy. I did this once at my boyfriend’s house.
I alarm myself.
I’m tired of being so depressed I have to hit my self to go to sleep. I’m tired of being so sleepy I can’t sleep.
I’m tired of waiting around for the phone to ring and for the boy, not my boyfriend, to call, only to hang up later to go to sleep. Leaving me barren and crying.
I obviously love the pain or I wouldn’t do this to myself. I would try harder to be normal, try harder to not feel so extreme.
The anger and sadness or happiness never lasts long. And in-between sometimes I get the moments I love best. When I can sit and not cry, moments when my boyfriend says something mean to me and I don’t care, because I can’t feel it. Is that what it’s like for everyone else?
I’m tired of being me.
What is wrong with me?
I want help but I feel I shouldn’t bother my family financially or emotionally. I’m supposed to be a success. I want to help them, not make them ashamed of me.
Happiness to me is fear and anxiety. It’s laughing to the point of your mind buzzing and my face feeling hot and feeling scared, when tears run down my cheeks not because it’s that funny. Because I’m scared.
Sadness to me is pain, hitting myself so hard I can forget for a split second why I’m so upset. Sometimes there’s no reason at all. Sometimes I’m just sad. Sometimes I just want to die, even though my day has been blissfully perfect.
Anger to me is no control. It’s thinking nothing and doing only impulses. It’s grabbing a cat and breaking its leg even though you love it so very much. It’s primitive and animal like functions that embarrass me. It’s where I eat so fast I get sick because I can’t slow down.
-Me.
I want help.
I want my life back, but then, I think, did I ever have one before?
I’m sixteen. It’s not teenage drama, I feel on the edge of a knife and everyday seems like it’s my last.
I think it might be a mental disorder, or manic depression, or bipolar but then I criticize myself and I feel like maybe I’m just a hypochondriac.
But I’m not happy. I want help, even if nothing is wrong. I’m the worse person I know.
I’m weak.
I’m ruining my life everyday.
It seems like when I’m angry, my bind goes black and hot, even at the silliest things. Just yesterday a cat jumped on my bed when I first woke up, I felt so frustrated and angry I threw the cat across the room into another one. I have purposely injured an animal before.
I think I was in tired grade and I put the cat in my dresser drawer and was locking it in there with a mechanical spider it was scared of. When I finished laughing I took the cat out and it scratched me. I was so angry with the animal I kept picking it up and dropping it, the thought terrifies me I would do this, it was my favorite cat. Several times, from a very high distance I did that until his back leg was broken. I told my mom he had fallen off a table.
I’m the worse person I know.
That anger wasn’t just then, sometimes I feel like I want to squeeze something’s neck, suffocate it, just because I feel insulted or mad. However, shortly after any kind of anger problems I become depressed. Low. Black.
After I broke the cat’s leg I laid down for hours crying behind my mom’s bed, hating my self. I feel out of control, but at the same time know it isn’t an anger issue because I never lash out when pressured. I have never been in a fight, never been kicked out of school, never taken drugs, and never been put into detention for anything physical-related.
I cannot go a full day being one mood. I was playing a game with six friends and midway through, when I had been laughing and having a great time, I stopped. Nothing had happened, no one had said anything, and I just withdrew. Became quiet. Upset, and felt forgotten even though it was completely absurd.
I hate myself. There are days I feel like I’m the prettiest girl alive, and wear things to flaunt that fact. Yet just around the corner I’m scared to leave the house because I feel fat, ugly, unwanted. I feel tossed between extremes, anxious and angry.
I am a perfectionist at school. I become instantly depressed if my scores are lower then I expect. I want straight A’s, and that’s what I have. Anything lower ruins my day. It’s my one source of pleasure. Where I excel and be complimented by teachers. Ear to ear I’ll grin if I get a compliment from them.
I go out of my way to please people.
I’ve dyed my hair many colors, and upon dying it black found the most success with the opposite gender. I feel shallow; I’m too scared to do anything else because I’m afraid others will no longer find me attractive.
I have abandonment issues. I once tried to starve myself so that maybe I would pass out and my boyfriend would notice me more and value me more.
Lately, I have taken to thinking about overdosing on pills, not in a suicidal manner, but to scare people. So they will know I’m not permanent.
I self harm. I don’t cut, or burn. I hit myself and bang my head on anything hard until I feel numb. I do this when I’m depressed. When my boyfriend says something silly and I blow it out of the water. Hurting myself takes so much energy and the outcome is so nice. Itt throbs my head and I become tired and I’m able to lie down and sleep.
Everything someone says I take the wrong way. I get angry, depressed and happy at grandiose extremes. I was once explaining to my boyfriend how I felt weird without him around (this was about 5 or 6 months ago, perhaps more.) I felt empty and a buzz ran through me. He commented “Wow, you must really be in love.”
I know now I should have been happy at that response.
But I was angry. I hated him.
I started an argument with him.
I do that everyday, even though I make mental reminders that I do it. I KNOW I DO IT. I can’t control myself. I bite myself when I notice what I’m doing. I scratch myself hard. I dig my fingers into my skin.
But it doesn’t work. I am WEAK.
I once got frustrated with him. He kept playing with his feet in my face and I told him to stop numerous times. Even though he decided not to, I decided it was fair to dig my fingernails into his leg. Needless to say I was shocked and depressed when he became angry at me.
I feel primitive. I feel like an animal.
I can’t say no to him. I need his approval and love, yet as of lately I don’t.
I am too weak to stay with him.
I have been cheating on him since around February; staying on the phone with another boy, phone sex, saying how much I love him. I feel disgusting. I’ve given him more blowjobs then I have my boyfriend in our 11 months of dating in the one month.
I Do it I tell myself because I love him. I think I do it so he’ll stay.
They both love me so much. It’s sickens me to my stomach.
I made out with this boy almost three times while actively dating my current boyfriend, and other times when I asked my boyfriend for a “break” which was really so I could be with the other boy.
My life is disgusting. I’m the worse person I know.
I want them both; I can’t lose either of them.
Sometimes, I hallucinate. I hear things often when nothing is said. When listening to songs I think someone is talking to me. Sometimes I feel like someone is behind me. I’m uneasy in my own room. I heard my mom yelling for my name, SHOUTING from the living room right next to my room and I became frustrated and opened my door and go “What??”
“I didn’t say anything”
It was surreal.
I’m tired. Tired of over reacting and being angry at people who treat me so well and put up with me. Because I know they can’t for long.
I’m tired of being so happy and manic at the slightest thing that I cry. Half with fear and half with ecstasy. I did this once at my boyfriend’s house.
I alarm myself.
I’m tired of being so depressed I have to hit my self to go to sleep. I’m tired of being so sleepy I can’t sleep.
I’m tired of waiting around for the phone to ring and for the boy, not my boyfriend, to call, only to hang up later to go to sleep. Leaving me barren and crying.
I obviously love the pain or I wouldn’t do this to myself. I would try harder to be normal, try harder to not feel so extreme.
The anger and sadness or happiness never lasts long. And in-between sometimes I get the moments I love best. When I can sit and not cry, moments when my boyfriend says something mean to me and I don’t care, because I can’t feel it. Is that what it’s like for everyone else?
I’m tired of being me.
What is wrong with me?
I want help but I feel I shouldn’t bother my family financially or emotionally. I’m supposed to be a success. I want to help them, not make them ashamed of me.
Happiness to me is fear and anxiety. It’s laughing to the point of your mind buzzing and my face feeling hot and feeling scared, when tears run down my cheeks not because it’s that funny. Because I’m scared.
Sadness to me is pain, hitting myself so hard I can forget for a split second why I’m so upset. Sometimes there’s no reason at all. Sometimes I’m just sad. Sometimes I just want to die, even though my day has been blissfully perfect.
Anger to me is no control. It’s thinking nothing and doing only impulses. It’s grabbing a cat and breaking its leg even though you love it so very much. It’s primitive and animal like functions that embarrass me. It’s where I eat so fast I get sick because I can’t slow down.
-Me.