Hello /lounge/

How long it'll take to render the average joe dead?

My parents are on vacation until Thursday and I have the house to myself. There's no one here to call 911.

Wrist-slitting, gunshot, hanging, overdose, CO poisoning, almost any generic method can list, I have already done extensive research on, and have also read the whole guide at http://www.satanservice.org/coe/suicide/guide/

Wrists: Very no. Only a retard would think death by exsanguination is viable.
Gunshot: Don't have a gun. Also, not surefire and could end up a vegetable.
Hanging: HELLO. HELLO. A severed upper spinal cord that leaves you a Christopher Reeve paraplegic?
Overdose: lol

If you can get ahold of it and know how to use it a nice big shot of heroin is the way to go. float off into oblivion.

Failing that.. depends how much you really want to die. Putting a plastic bag over your head and securing it with something and you'll suffocate.
Go for a walk out to your nearest lake, tie some bricks or rocks to yourself and go swimming. A large dose of alcahol and some pills would go nicely with this - makes it even less likely you'll be able to get out.

Good luck with that!