need halp

Please, give me some (not too obscene or slang) synonyms to 'masturbation' or 'masturbate' in English. Some oldfashioned ones, euphemisms maybe. But not too long and weird sounding. Is there something like the word "Selbstbefriedigung" in German?

I'm not trolling. I'm just curious about something I've found I know surprisingly little about. I'm not a native English speaker, but I  thought I have some grasp of obscene vocabulary (You thought I would, after browsing 4chan for about a year). And now I'm sitting here feeling stupid and can't come up with anything except 'fapping', but it really won't do.

wanking
jerking off

>>2
Also, jack off.

We caught him....

rubbing one out
spanking the monkey
flogging the/his dolphin

These are used occasionally, at least here in the UK.

not too long and weird sounding ... something like the word "Selbstbefriedigung"
Lol.

Beating off.
Rubbing one out.
oldfashioned
Onanism?

not obscene/slang
Pleasuring himself.

"No, son, you will become blind!"

This is really the most old-fashioned, euphemistic expression there is for masturbation that's not too obscene or slang.

pocket billiards

"EDUCATING THE COED"

beat the meat.