/lang/ - 僕のストーリー

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 14:13

白い犬

第１章

私の犬が生まれた。白いだった。でも、白い犬が悪い・・・

第２章

わたしは言った。「白い犬、死ね！」

そして、白い犬が死んだ。

おわり～

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 17:08 (sage)

僕のストーリ

第１章

>>1がｽﾚを立てた。一生懸命正しい日本語で書こうとした。でも、文法が悪い…

第２章

わたしがsageで書く込んだ。「>>1、死ね！」

そして、>>1は死んだ。

おわり～

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 17:10

'kay guys post some critique plox

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 23:39

>>2
あんたがしたことは見える。

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 11:36

OK PLZ GUYS POST CRITIQUE IN ENGLISH PLOX

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 12:35

>>5
おまえはもう死んでいる

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 12:35

jajajajaajajajajaj

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 13:30 (sage)

>>3
You actually intend to turn this in?

Anyway, you could change 白いだった to 白かった, that would fix the grammer. Still doesn't stop it from being a fuck-ass weird story though.

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 13:54

>>6
分かるよ

>>8
そうだね、ありがとう。

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 20:58

OK GUYX POSTY SOME CATS

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 23:28

You should change わたしは言った。「白い犬、死ね！」to わたしは「白い犬、死ね！」と言った。 It doesn't make any sense the first way.

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 0:40

only dogs die. cats live forever

猫は不滅なんだぜ！

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 5:18

>>12
そうみたいだね。ネコ好きだ！

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 6:33

>>10
You're not me.

>>11
ありがとうございました

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 19:54

>>2
わたしがsageで書き込んだ。「>>1、死ね！」

now with more "fixed"

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-17 7:15

neko neko !!
kawaii neko-da !!

Name: 8 2006-12-17 8:01

>>11
Actually it does make sense, it's just really dramatic and silly sounding. It's like saying in English:

And I spoke. "Die, white dog!"

I feel it fits with the tone of the story though.

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 0:07

でも、私は白い犬が好きですよ！　お話をかわってくれよ！

How's my grammar?

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 1:17

でも、白い犬が好きなんだ！　だから話を正してくれよ！

is how I would put it...
that it's you that likes the dog is implied by the structure
desu <-> kureru desu is more formal
no o- before hanashi because it's your story
correct instead of change

I am not fluent... no guarantees

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 2:22

>>18
変わる is 他動詞、so you should say 変える. Otherwise your grammer is fine, your sentence just sounds unnatural.

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 2:23

>>20
Whoops, 自動詞、you know what I meant. How do you say that in English again?

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 8:18

GRAMMAR

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 10:18

動動動動動動動動動
動動動
動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動動
動動動動動動
動
動動動動動動動
動動動動動動動動動動動

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 13:22

>>19
But it's not my story, it's >>1 's story.

Thanks to all for the tips.

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 13:25

Wow, a fat otaku learning Japanese, and here I am thinking it's a native speaker.

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 13:34

>>25
I'll take that as a compliment ^^;;;

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 15:17

>>25
Er, who are you referring to anyway?

僕のストーリー

1 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 14:13

2 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 17:08 (sage)

3 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 17:10

4 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 23:39

5 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 11:36

6 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 12:35

7 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 12:35

8 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 13:30 (sage)

9 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 13:54

10 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 20:58

11 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 23:28

12 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 0:40

13 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 5:18

14 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 6:33

15 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 19:54

16 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-17 7:15

17 Name: 8 2006-12-17 8:01

18 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 0:07

19 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 1:17

20 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 2:22

21 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 2:23

22 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 8:18

23 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 10:18

24 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 13:22

25 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 13:25

26 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 13:34

27 Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 15:17

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 14:13

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 17:08 (sage)

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 17:10

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-14 23:39

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 11:36

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 12:35

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 12:35

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 13:30 (sage)

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 13:54

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 20:58

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-15 23:28

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 0:40

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 5:18

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 6:33

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-16 19:54

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-17 7:15

Name: 8 2006-12-17 8:01

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 0:07

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 1:17

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 2:22

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 2:23

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 8:18

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 10:18

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 13:22

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 13:25

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 13:34

Name: Anonymous 2006-12-18 15:17