Which Arabic is most useful?

Hey guys,

I'm thinking about learning Arabic - no need for dire warnings, I've already heard about open and closed words, word-morphing, and horror stories about 3-forms of each letter, no-vowel writing, 13-form verbs and so on...

But I need some advice - which version would be the most practically useful from the standpoint of someone who doesn't plan to travel to any given Arabic country, but may still need to speak it without sounding too weird. Is Classical Arabic really the best way to go, or would I do better to learn Gulf Arabic or another dialect?

>>5
That was witty and well thought out... I guess you'd be an imperialist limey because you speak English then?

I know this is 4chan, but wtf... is the foreign language forum just for the latest "let's speak Japanese!" thread and blatant racism?