Muv-Luv:Altered Fable translation thread

First thread: /a/ 69113696
Latest thread: http://archive.foolz.us/a/thread/69617638
All the stuff should be in archives

AT code center:
http://polaris.aralgood.com/index.php?mid=board_atcode

Yes, Araltrans works with newer and older rUGP machines

Needs: Translators

Jutsuki Sen: 5% done
Diel: 1/6 done with TDA 00, Chicken Driver revising

!!VYwl7ycLm3c - coder: Tweaking araltrans-successful
Jutsuki Sen !!3NyYVBjX5sl - AF translator
Sachibelle !09b.f1ShXg - AF translator (?)
Diel (Chronicles Translator) !ok/MkdpFbs- TDA translator

Old link to !!VYwl7ycLm3c's Araltrans tweak
http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?52ntlgb7bodc2br

>>225

This guy is a decent writer but I would strongly advise against using his work as the comprehension level is not where it needs to be.

Line 1. "ハイヴを垂直に貫く『主縦抗』の周囲に張り巡らされた『横抗』を高速で移動していた。<" becomes "Unopposed, the unit rapidly coiled its way downward through the gigantic main shaft, progressing further underground."
-The squad isn't in the vertical main shaft, they are in one of the side tunnels running around it. Bad.

Line 2."...足を踏み入れた者の生還を許さない無慈悲な地下空間に..." becomes "the depths of the earth - a place which few men have ever returned from alive."
-"Few" is a poor choice. The line strongly implies "none."

Line 5. "目前に展開する光のパノラマを黙って見つめていた" becomes "sat in silence in her cockpit, enthralled by the panorama of faint blue light."
-"Enthralled" is not an appropriate word choice.

Line 6. "まるで生身で飛んでいるような錯覚を覚える。" becomes "It was an unforgettable experience - the mesmerizing view all around could easily fool her into thinking that her body was floating along by itself."
-More invention, which wouldn't be so bad if the tone wasn't so wrong. There's no mesmerizing or unforgettable experiences. Makes it sound like she's on a ride at Disneyland or something.

Line 7. "全周を覆い尽くした青白い燐光が奔流となって後方に流れてゆく光景は、醜悪な異星起源種が創造したものとは思えない繊細な美しさを持っていた。" becomes "The surroundings were so... alien... having been created by a species not of this world, beings not even of this solar system. Somehow, the phosphorescence of the seemingly endless cavern evoked a sense of beauty..."
-Hard sentence but this is a major breakdown. Here's a quick (liberal) go: "The all-encompassing phospherence of the tunnels was transformed by their speed into a stream of bluish light; the scenery flowing past possessed a delicate beauty incongruous in a place created by hideous beings from a distant star."

I stopped after line 7.